Prototype boy, with only ideals for tomorrow

Sometimes people leave your life without being fully aware of the impact they had on you or without a simple way to explain who or what they were to you. This is for one such person. I've put it together bit by bit over years and while it'll never be perfect, this is as good as I can get it. It's in rough chronological order; some songs cover different lengths of time and some cover the same time period simultaneously.

Playlist on YouTube and songs with some lyrics below the cut.

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This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/498093.html

In the name of trying to be a better person, I'm going to use this post as a place to collect things that my friends/circle think I should warn for.

If it's a big, hot button thing, assume I'll already cut and warn, but I know that everyone has their personal triggers and squicks as well. Comments screened for privacy.

I think the only possible odd/uncommon triggers I have are sexual contact with a sleeping person or mental health terms being used as insults. Odd squicks -- pregnancy, hand injuries.

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/491181.html

I was rereading this post just now because it was linked on Tumblr and I realized, not for the first time, that I have never identified as transsexual even though according to most people’s definitions, I fit it. I was assigned female at birth, lived as female for the first 21 years of my life, but identify as male and am taking hormones (and eventually will have surgery) to help both physical and social dysphoria.

I can’t place why I don’t use that word for myself. I just call myself a trans guy and that’s been my term for as long as I’ve been questioning myself and living as myself instead of who I was born as. Maybe it’s because I coped for years by detaching myself from my body and thinking about its specifics as little as possible. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have particularly strong physical dysphoria at first because of that. And maybe it’s because I subscribe to the school of thought that says a body is whatever the mind inside it calls itself. Men have male bodies, whatever anatomy a given person has. Women have female bodies, whatever anatomy a given person has. Nonbinary people have nonbinary bodies. And so on and so forth.

Another part that I’m not quite as happy to admit is that I tend to associate the term transsexual with people who completely fit the established binary and associated sexuality, presentation, and the like. And that’s just not me. I’m queer and have femme tendencies — I might want to act like a knight in shining armor, but that doesn’t mean I have to look like one or only end up with cis women like the stereotype goes.

So I’m a transgender guy, a boy in the making, a constantly changing prototype. And I don’t know how to explain this to people who ask me to explain the difference between transgender and transsexual. It’s not like I can link them to Ira’s guide when it’s face to face.

Hopefully this makes sense. I’m babbling because it’s getting late and I’m on pain meds while doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with it. But I'll talk more about that another time.

Apologies to those who saw this on my Tumblr too, I felt like crossposting.

This entry was originally posted at http://prototypical.dreamwidth.org/490804.html

Thanks to certain memes on Plurk, I have a plot bunny for the first multi-chaptered fic I've written in AGES going through my head. While I'm very confident about writing Muraki, and the story will be mostly focused on him, it's an NCIS crossover and it'd be nice to have other chapters from that side's point of view as well. Or simply people who can help me make sure I have my details right because there's no way I have time to marathon the entire show for the sake of one fic. Basically, the idea is a crossover with Muraki in America for reasons I need to figure out, in an AU where he has no strange powers, and ending up being someone NCIS has to work hard to snag.

I'll note now that this is going to be pretty dark. Murder, torture, blackmail, memory fuckery, kidnapping, and sexual assault are among the things he's capable of and might do to his victims. Helping me with either details or guest writing a chapter means dealing with that.

...anyone remotely interested in this?

Everything from 2005-2008, which includes all of my old fanfic from fandoms I've pretty much left, is now friends-locked. It's mostly for the sake of keeping the person I used to be a little more private. I was pretty embarrassing 7 years ago!

Food allergies: Tree nuts (but not peanuts, thank fuck), sesame, most other seeds (poppy and pumpkin, for sure), shellfish, tomato, artificial sweeteners

Medication: Sulfa drugs, Zoloft, latex, possibly lidocaine, whatever injected CT contrast dye is made of

Environmental/other: Most grass and tree pollens, chemical fragrances

Knowing my memory, I'm leaving something off this list too. I have to read ingredient labels constantly and sometimes I forget and Met asks/reads on my behalf because she's the best girlfriend in the world.

I can't believe I'll be 26 next Saturday. Given my depression and the things I've lived through, I never expected to make it to 25, much less nearly a year beyond that. It's really strange to think that when my mom was my age, she'd had two kids and spent a few years in the Air Force already. It makes me feel lazy when I realize that I'm still a student with a vague sense of direction and health just barely getting on track.

...and then I feel greedy because all I want for my birthday is money. I have meds to fill that'll cost me $28 but even that's more than the contents of my bank account. Don't wanna dip into my savings because that's next month's rent.

/stops whining now

In honour of All Hallow's Eve, I'm inviting trick-or-treaters to my 'door.' Comment "trick-or-treat" to this post and...well, you know the drill. Treats can be anything that strikes my fancy (pics of fave actors or pairings, one sentence fics, graphics, a few words why I'm glad to have you on my flist, etc. etc.). The more "houses" to visit the more fun it'll be, so go ahead, open your journal and help spread the fun!

Replies may be NWS or otherwise bizarre, but if I offend someone inadvertantly, tell me!

Oh wow, I'm actually using this more often -- I guess new LJ friends will do that to me?

In any case, here's a bit of backstory. I get migraines. In June, one of them made part of my face go numb and tingly and we spent a while at the ER being sure I wasn't having a stroke before they said it was just a complex one. Okay, now I know to deal with that.

Apparently, getting a stiff neck and otherwise seeming like I might have meningitis is another form of complex migraine too! Spend like 17 hours total at the ER figuring that one out. I hate not having proper insurance and only being able to go to one constantly overcrowded and apparently understaffed university hospital.

At least I got a referral to a neurologist out of it.

I'll get back to writing song fills once I don't feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Because I love what nuraya is doing, I'm shamelessly stealing the idea for myself!

1. Insert character, pairing, or group
2. Insert song (lyrics and/or just a video)
3. Receive small fic.

Some things I'm willing to write in may not be the best because of long time, no familiarity, but I'll try.

List of Fandoms
Weiss Kreuz
Yami no Matsuei
Absolute Obedience
Final Fantasy VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, and XII (note: nothing other than original game and AC for FFVII. I've even forgotten DoC)
Rainbow (not that...anyone else here knows the series)
Death Note (no Light/L)
.hack//GU
Persona 3
Persona 4
Any RP universe we've interacted in
Ask if you know I've been into a series in the past/present but it's not on the list